How To Get Your Spouse to Change a Bad Habit
It’s been said many times – you can’t change a person. But for some reason, we keep on thinking we’ll fix someone after we marry him or her. You might not be able to change a whole person, but you might have luck changing a habit or two. Here’s how to get your spouse to change a bad habit.
Surrender
The first step in changing someone else’s habit is to surrender to it. You can’t actually force your spouse to change. Even if you find a way to bribe or blackmail him into changing, he will resent you and eventually that anger will undermine the change and add a negative aspect to the relationship.
You can’t force change, but you can encourage, guide and – best of all – make him think it’s exactly what he wants to do. So surrender the nagging, the complaining, the blackmail and the false guilt. All it will earn you is an irritated spouse determined to continue his bad habit not out of need, but simply because it’s so obvious you’re trying to make him stop.
Praise and Rewards
The next step to changing your spouse’s bad habit is to praise his good ones. Find positive things related to tasks that are essentially the opposite of the bad one. Find ways to praise and reward him not doing the bad habit in a way that isn’t threatening or even obvious.
For example, if you husband smokes but you want him to stop, after he showers, throw your arms around him and sniff him appreciatively. Tell him how sexy he smells after a shower and how much it turns you on. You might even fool around a little bit (or a lot.) Make a comment or two about how much you love it when he smells this clean and how much you love kissing him when his mouth is so fresh.
Then leave it alone. You’ve made your point. Unless you have a very dense spouse, he’ll realize that smelling (and tasting) clean is good, but smelling like smoke is bad. If you rewarded him in an exiting way that speaks to men (as is a way that doesn’t require clothing), he’ll most likely try to smell nice as often as possible. Just be sure to maintain the rewards.
Consistency
The praise and rewards system doesn’t work if you are nagging at the same time or reward good behavior only once. Find every opportunity to reward him for not smelling like smoke, tasting like cigarettes, and casually mention how you’ve noticed he’s cut down lately and how sexy it is that he’s tough to fight that addiction. Sure it’s all a mind game, but what in marriage isn’t? The more consistent reward and praise he gets, the more encouraged he will be to eliminate the bad behavior.
Be Patient
Finally, be patient. Habits aren’t easy to give up. To be truly effective your reward system must be subtle and consistent. Telling him flat out that you will let him have that new boat he’s been eyeballing if he quits isn’t a reward – its bribery. Don’t mention your plan to him or make it obvious what you are doing.
Personal rewards and praise take time to act. They are usually gradual so you must continue to be persistent. Also, don’t give up the reward system when the bad behavior is eliminated. By the time the bad behavior is completely eliminated, you should be almost constantly rewarding your spouse, and if you chose your reward and praise system well, you should be getting more than a few rewards of your own.
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Posted in Marriage, Relationships
